Some Days Are Just Not Good Ones.

 A Golden Christmas by Carolyn's Scrap Creations.

 This is a gorgeous kit and I have enjoyed working on this page. Today I will do a few more pages or at least one more. I am still not feeling 100% right now. A lot of it is emotional.

 Living with family is hard. Not only do you have to take in account your own likes and dislikes but those that you live with as well. Family or not, Love or not, it all plays into your role as a "Room Mate"... Oh hell give me a break.

 Well my "Room Mates" and I, AKA Family had a huge blow out yesterday. It started over nothing and escalated into something very fast.
 I said and I quote.... "I want us to clean house today since we are all home and have the day off."
 Well you would have thought that the world had ended.
 It went over quite badly as I said what I wanted. In other words my words were a demand and a lack of respect for my Room Mates because I demanded the house to be cleaned and I didn't ask nicely. I just stated a fact.

 That led to lots and lots of other things. Things that had me in tears, things that had me hurt, things that pushed me out of the main part of the house and into my room with the door shut and locked and the phone turned off and I took a hot shower, took my anxiety medication and have slept many hours.

 They had the gall to tell me.... "We want your Golden Years to be Happy ones." Oh give me a flipping break. They mean "We want your Golden Years to be Happy ones as long as it does not Concern US."
 No matter what I suggest it is No.... No to Thanksgiving, No to Christmas, No to 4th of July, No to just about everything.
 They don't want a Thanksgiving dinner. Jonathan said "I wouldn't care if we just had Bologna Sandwiches." So that is just what he will get. Nothing more and nothing less. A slice of bologna and a 2 slices of bread. Screw Him...
 And as for Christmas, a tree is a waste of space and a waste of electricity.... Oh PLEASE..... Like I keep the lights on 24/7????? No gifts, no tree, no dinner, no nothing.
 So just how am I supposed to enjoy My Golden Years if I never get to do anything that I want to do in a place that I help pay for?

 Well I put my back up and I walked into my room, turned on my computer and I went to Public Housing and I put my name and information on the waiting list. Let him and Nathan figure out how to come up with the extra rent and extra stuff that I help provide.

 Jonathan is going to want extra money from me this month. He has already hinted around. No I am not giving a single penny more than the agreement. As for the extra's that I pay for around here, well I don't know what to tell them. I buy the cleaning supplies, which is what I use. Now I have my cleaning supplies in my room for my own personal use. I buy the laundry soap and etc...  Well considering that I don't have a whole lot of laundry I am sure that mine will last a whole lot longer... Probably over 6 months before I have to buy more.
 Toilet paper.. Sorry but no more coming into my room and taking a roll here or there when your out. Nope I have mine put away and if they run out, well one of them can go buy some. I usually buy the huge bundle and split it. Forget that.
 As for the food that I buy, I trust you, I help them with food as I make meals and not just for myself but for them too. No more. I will buy my own food and I will cook only what I will eat. They can go hungry, have something delivered or cook their own food. I am done. DONE.....

 You might think that I am just saying this to say it, because I have said these things before but yesterday really brought to light of exactly what I am paying for and what I am getting out of the deal.
 I will keep the kitchen clean but that is all. They want to live like they are, then that is fine. I refuse to live in filth. And I am not going to be the one doing all the cleaning anymore. That stopped yesterday when they blew up and said I demanded that they do something.
 Oh Good Grief.... Yeah... Pick up your reeking socks and put them in the laundry hamper, do you really need 3 coats thrown all over the living room for 70 degree weather? Can't you take your nasty dishes to the frikking kitchen? What about your trash? Is it really such a hardship to put your soda bottles and your chips and other trash in a trash can?

 Jonathan said... "You have family here and you won't qualify for housing." I said well I can fucking live under a bridge and it be better than my living conditions now. He said "We have a nice home and pay top dollar for it" and I said it is only nice if everyone pitches in and your wrong, this is a place to sleep. It is NOT a home. A home is where people give a crap about each other. You both say that you care about me, but the truth is you only care about me when I fork out the extra cash and everything that goes with it. Meals, and cleaning and so forth. You both are so damn selfish that you don't even know what a home is.

 I fought back. It drained me mentally and physically. I retreated and licked my wounds but I mean what I say right now. He is going to need my extra help this month and I am going to look the other way. It will be hard. I won't say that it won't be because it is going to be hard watching my child need something and know that I could help but I have to stop somewhere.

 Yes in a lot of ways they are good to me. Most of the time they are considerate but I feel that I am in their way. That they only tolerate me.
 They both said yesterday that when they come home from work, they don't want to be bothered. Ok, fine then, so I will not bother them. I won't even speak unless they speak to me. I will go into my room and do things that I want to do instead of trying to communicate, make a nice meal or anything. They want to be left alone then that is what I will do.
 Jonathan said that I made him miss an exit one day while he was driving because I called him. Oh well what the hell were you doing on the phone if you were driving? So I added to my list... Do Not Under Any Circumstances call Jonathan. I also in my phone changed my emergency contacts. I put None.
 I am including Karyn here in this mix too. She has her own set of problems and I don't even want to go there with her.

 And I know that something must have been said because this morning while I was making a cup of coffee one of Nathan's friends came in and said... "Mom, in a couple of weeks we are going to come and take you out for  the day and get you out of the house for a while."
 Now why the hell would one of Nathan's friends even say that?
 I have never said anything like that to him before. So why the day after I voiced the fact that I am always in the house and never get out to do some of the things that I want to do then does he come over and say something like that?
 I just said thank you and took my coffee into my room. But I know that something was said.
 Jonathan tried to be super nice to me this morning. "Good morning mom, did you have a good night?" I just said yes and then he asked me my plans for today and I said nothing, and then he said what do you want to do, and I didn't even reply. I was outside on the patio and I just got up and came into the house and to my room. He made it perfectly clear yesterday that he doesn't want to be bothered by anything I want to do or any of my plans. So I will make sure that he isn't bothered.
 Nathan left for work this morning and said goodbye to me and tried to be nice, but I just said have a good day. He looked at Jonathan and Kevin and shrugged.
 He was the one yesterday that insisted that he was an adult and didn't need to inform me of his coming and goings.

 So Yeah I am hurt. But I will get over this and be stronger for sticking to my guns.. I am probably going to lick my wounds for a while longer, but they will heal. I am sorry that they feel the way that they do. It is really sad to live in a world where no one cares about anyone else and I never would have thought that it would happen in my family.... Oh excuse me.... Room Mates..... BB