Frustration Is My New Norm

A page that I made in hopes that everyone finds time to relax and pamper yourself!

 Hello,
 Well as the title suggests, Frustration is part of my new normal. (SIGH),,,, I just don't know why I get myself into these fixes.
 The boys are not cooperating with an agreement that we made a few months back. An agreement that led to a HUGE argument and it is not going to change and no matter what they said, promised, or agreed to. Either I accept it or I move.  Out. By myself. Into a place that I don't want to move to.

 A few months back I had enough of this house looking like a tornado hit it. I voiced my opinion and I got all chewed out. Apparently I talk to them like they are still children. Well naturally that didn't set well with me. I was like, well if you would take care of your mess then I wouldn't have to remind you to do it.
 They said... "Mom just ask. Don't go around pointing to what you want done. Just say, I would like for you to take care of this today and it will get done today".
 Excuse my French but what Bull Shit that was.
 So in the months that have followed that is what I have done.
 I have kept to myself, and have kept the kitchen and MY bedroom and bath done. The rest of the house is horrible. It has been horrible for weeks. Take out food trash sitting all over the living room and dining room table, 2 liter soda bottles on the table, bar, counters and floor. The dining room table is so sticky and stacked with trash that I am not sitting there. Ash trays over flowing in the living room and dining area.
 Now I smoke. Something that I am working on and trying to quit. I stopped and was doing so well, but all this stress makes it impossible for me to just Quit. "I hate it when people say to me... Oh you can stop if you really wanted to." Well the truth is maybe I don't want to. Maybe I find it calming to me so that I am not spaced out on anxiety meds all the time and not in a brain fog. Anyway I digress.
 At least I am clean about it. I dispose of my ash trays, and I keep my trash picked up and put away.
 I am the one that bags up the trash and makes sure it gets taken out, except for the living room and dining room. I am not picking up their trash. I am not doing it.
 They know that this drives me nuts. They know that it really aggravates me. Unless they bring me the dishes, those do not get done. Mounds of laundry, clean and dirty are just thrown onto the floor!
 Don't I have the right to be pissed off?
 Don't I deserve a bit of respect for the home that I pay rent for?
 Don't I deserve the right to a clean home? I am not asking for a spotless home. Just one where I can walk thru. One that I can actually eat my meal at the table instead of taking it to my room.
 I guess not.
 I asked Jonathan last night. "Can we please clean the house tomorrow? It is Saturday and you and Nathan are both off". He said yes we can make that happen.
 Well it is 4:30 in the afternoon and not one of them has looked up from their video games.

 Matthew is flying in tomorrow. He is like me. He can't stand it either. He told me... "Mom I hope that you don't take this the wrong way but I might have to make other arrangements for when I come home. It sends me into OCD mode when I see the house".

 My kids were not raised like this. Our house was definitely lived in and there were times that the laundry got out of hand. There was times that the house needed a good cleaning, but not like this. They had organized closets and dressers, and clean laundry. They had clean dishes and a place to eat. They had what they needed and if company came in I didn't cringe, unless I was sick and couldn't make sure that it got done.
 So what happened?

 Ok so I haven't told this. Or I might have. I don't remember. That might be a good thing, but a couple of weeks ago things came to a big big big head. The fight was so ugly. It was over the top and it was horrible and nasty and I feel like another one is about to happen again. So that is why I am venting now in hopes that I ward off another fight.
 This is what happened. It is an ugly story but I have to vent. I have to get it out. This is my blog so I feel that I can at least vent here.

 Every night before I go to bed, I turn on the dishwasher, make sure that my coffee is ready, the counters cleaned, trash is out and the sink is clean. No matter how I feel I try and make sure that it is done.
 I got up on a Wednesday morning and walked into the kitchen to make a cup of coffee. It was late by my standards as sleeping has been a problem for me. Nathan was sitting in his chair with the remote in his hands. I asked if he had taken Cisco out as since my fall I am not supposed to do it anymore.
 Nathan never looked up. "Not yet" was his response and I said.. "It is almost noon. Why haven't you taken him out?"
 No response so I put on my robe and started looking for his leash. Well I couldn't find it. My son in law had just gotten here and I finally found the leash and as I walked out the door I suddenly became IRATE.... I have glass coffee tables. The frikking glass coffee table was filled with trash and not only trash, but Nathan was putting out his cigarettes on my table. The ash trays were over flowing and I lost it.
 I will not go into detail as I honestly cannot remember it all and that might be a good thing. One thing led to another, a screaming match followed and we both said some ugly things to each other, But I remember screaming at him that if he was too damn lazy to get up and empty the ash trays that I would solve that problem of using the damn things and he could continue using the glass tables since he couldn't be bothered to get off his lazy ass and I picked them up and started crashing them, throwing and breaking them all over the house... (Except my room of course) and not only the ash trays, but every dirty glass or cups or bowls that was sitting on the tables and counters and if I could get my hands on it I crashed it. Somehow my son in law got me to my room.
 I don't remember much after that other than I felt like I was having a heart attack. I was too far out of it. I totally lost it.
 I remember calling Jonathan to tell him that I thought I needed to go to the hospital, that I thought that I was having a heart attack. My son in law told Jonathan that I was just having a panic attack, and I had gotten really upset and he was calming me down and that he would make sure that I was ok, but he didn't feel it was a heart attack.
 Could have fooled me.

 I want to cry but afraid if I start I wont be able to stop. I put my name on the housing authority list. I don't want to move there. It is not in a good location, lots of crime, lots of problems there. But what else am I to do? The thing is that the housing authority waiting list is years long. I got a letter saying that I have been approved and they will notify me when a unit becomes available. I make just a little over $700.00 a month. I can barely get by now. I never have any extra money for anything. I need new shoes and some new night gowns. I need some clothes. I need to have my hair cut. I have a package that has been sitting here to mail since Christmas. I can't afford the $24.00 to mail it. The shipping is costing more than what is in the damn box.
 By the time I pay my rent, I still have other things that I have to buy. Food, and my medical co-pays and yes my cigarettes. Not that I spend all that much on those. Prices here are not like prices elsewhere thankfully. But still even if I didn't spend that money, what I have left over is nothing. If I can't have $10.00 damn dollars a week of my money what is the point.

 I have to buy other things too. My personal hygiene products and my laundry soap, and dish soap and trash bags because they damn sure are not going to buy it. Nathan had the nerve to tell me the other day.... "Why didn't you buy laundry detergent?" and I told him "Because I didn't have the damn money to buy any. Why haven't you bought any? And why don't you help buy some toilet paper and some necessities around here?" Of course he didn't reply to that.

 Jonathan said to me recently. "Mom you need to get up in the mornings and get dressed to greet the day."
 Aww Jonathan I am so sorry that my staying in my comfortable gown bothers you but since I am not going out of the house unless to take out the trash on Monday, Wednesdays and Fridays it and your not here for most of the day it shouldn't matter to you what I wear.

 I have to stop now. I am getting myself all worked up and I don't want to do that. Not today. I will just keep my mouth shut, and stay in my room. Like usual. It is what I do. I feel like an unwelcome guest in my home because if I try to initiate a conversation, either I am ignored or they respond with one word syllables and why try talking to someone that isn't going to engage or even look up from their phones or their video games or what ever.
 I need to close for now.... I hope that this post isn't to depressing for anyone. I just had to get it all out.... BB