The Waiting Game

 Hi Everyone,

 This is my first Official Page using Masks. (I THINK).... I sent it over to the Audrajscraps to see if I did it right. I am still waiting for her to respond. This is a practice page. I worked my butt off trying to get this technique down and had many failed attempts.
 I watched tutorials, I skyped with others in the know and still failed and failed and failed.... I was beyond frustrated and overwhelmed and then yesterday I was told a little bit of information that made it all better....

 The picture has to be bigger than the mask! Now why oh why wasn't I informed of that to begin with? And here I was trying to put the mask around the photo as if in a frame and it was just the opposite. Well we will see if this is done correctly. I hope so!

 I am headed to the doctor in a few hours. I am nervous as a cat because I am going alone. It is to a pain management clinic. I have only been to one before this and only twice and had my daughter Laurie to go with me. I quit going because they stopped taking my insurance. And possibly to the refusal for them to inject stuff into my spine. Sorry, nothing is wrong with my spine. I opted for as natural childbirth as possible because I refused anything in my spine such as an epederal or spinal block. No thank you...I have 3 fears when it comes to my body that I cannot explain.

 1. Is that I do not want anyone messing with my spine as I have seen what those things can do with your back. My son had to have a spinal tap done when he was a baby and today has so much trouble with his back.
 2. Is my nose.... I have had to have tubes run up my nose before and had to swallow a tube to get it down into my stomach... No thank you.... I am not one to use nose sprays or neti pots or anything like that unless I just have to. Even when they do the flu swab up my nose I gag... I just can't get over anything going up my nose.
 3. My eyes....  I once watched a movie about an alien abduction and the alien put  a needle in this guys eye.... OK that was just to much info for me and it happened to quickly for me to close my eyes or turn away. Even today when I visit the eye doctors I have this fear that the machine will suddenly shoot out a needle into my eye....

 Anyway I just want some relief for this pain. I have lived with it for years and have developed ways to cope but they have stopped working for me. I am tired of hurting. I go to bed in pain and I get up in pain.
 I am saddened to as I realized the other day when my daughter and I were talking that I have never been to a single birthday party for my grand kids, or to a recital, or a Grandmother and Me lunch at their school.
 My heart broke when the kids asked me a couple of weeks ago. "Na-Na will you go to the park and play with me/" and I couldn't do it. Really....... What the hell.......  I made an appointment that very day with a pain management clinic. It is time that I quit hurting. And I swear I am not taking no this time for an answer. My doctor has blown me off so now it is up to me if I want to continue living in pain where I can only function when I have to or if I want to have some quality of happiness and reduced pain in my life.
 I am not asking for a miracle. I don't expect to walk in and walk out pain free. I just want to hurt less. I just want to be a part of my grand children's life. I just want to be able to get out of bed and go for a walk and not have to stop every 5 steps to wait for the pain to subside. Is that asking for too much? Why doesn't my doctor understand how bad that I hurt?
 Of course the blame is also on me.... For one I never pushed the issue. I just accepted the fact that they knew best in the course of pain treatment. Stupid me. I always thought that I had to have a referral to pain management clinics... That is not the case. I can go. I can hopefully get treatment that works.I am so ready for a little less pain and a lot more activity.

 Guess that wraps up my post for today because I have to do a few things, get cleaned up and dressed and be ready when they pick me up. I plan to go to my daughters for a few days so I may not blog until I get home. Have a great day to all.... BB