Frustration Is My New Norm

A page that I made in hopes that everyone finds time to relax and pamper yourself!

 Hello,
 Well as the title suggests, Frustration is part of my new normal. (SIGH),,,, I just don't know why I get myself into these fixes.
 The boys are not cooperating with an agreement that we made a few months back. An agreement that led to a HUGE argument and it is not going to change and no matter what they said, promised, or agreed to. Either I accept it or I move.  Out. By myself. Into a place that I don't want to move to.

 A few months back I had enough of this house looking like a tornado hit it. I voiced my opinion and I got all chewed out. Apparently I talk to them like they are still children. Well naturally that didn't set well with me. I was like, well if you would take care of your mess then I wouldn't have to remind you to do it.
 They said... "Mom just ask. Don't go around pointing to what you want done. Just say, I would like for you to take care of this today and it will get done today".
 Excuse my French but what Bull Shit that was.
 So in the months that have followed that is what I have done.
 I have kept to myself, and have kept the kitchen and MY bedroom and bath done. The rest of the house is horrible. It has been horrible for weeks. Take out food trash sitting all over the living room and dining room table, 2 liter soda bottles on the table, bar, counters and floor. The dining room table is so sticky and stacked with trash that I am not sitting there. Ash trays over flowing in the living room and dining area.
 Now I smoke. Something that I am working on and trying to quit. I stopped and was doing so well, but all this stress makes it impossible for me to just Quit. "I hate it when people say to me... Oh you can stop if you really wanted to." Well the truth is maybe I don't want to. Maybe I find it calming to me so that I am not spaced out on anxiety meds all the time and not in a brain fog. Anyway I digress.
 At least I am clean about it. I dispose of my ash trays, and I keep my trash picked up and put away.
 I am the one that bags up the trash and makes sure it gets taken out, except for the living room and dining room. I am not picking up their trash. I am not doing it.
 They know that this drives me nuts. They know that it really aggravates me. Unless they bring me the dishes, those do not get done. Mounds of laundry, clean and dirty are just thrown onto the floor!
 Don't I have the right to be pissed off?
 Don't I deserve a bit of respect for the home that I pay rent for?
 Don't I deserve the right to a clean home? I am not asking for a spotless home. Just one where I can walk thru. One that I can actually eat my meal at the table instead of taking it to my room.
 I guess not.
 I asked Jonathan last night. "Can we please clean the house tomorrow? It is Saturday and you and Nathan are both off". He said yes we can make that happen.
 Well it is 4:30 in the afternoon and not one of them has looked up from their video games.

 Matthew is flying in tomorrow. He is like me. He can't stand it either. He told me... "Mom I hope that you don't take this the wrong way but I might have to make other arrangements for when I come home. It sends me into OCD mode when I see the house".

 My kids were not raised like this. Our house was definitely lived in and there were times that the laundry got out of hand. There was times that the house needed a good cleaning, but not like this. They had organized closets and dressers, and clean laundry. They had clean dishes and a place to eat. They had what they needed and if company came in I didn't cringe, unless I was sick and couldn't make sure that it got done.
 So what happened?

 Ok so I haven't told this. Or I might have. I don't remember. That might be a good thing, but a couple of weeks ago things came to a big big big head. The fight was so ugly. It was over the top and it was horrible and nasty and I feel like another one is about to happen again. So that is why I am venting now in hopes that I ward off another fight.
 This is what happened. It is an ugly story but I have to vent. I have to get it out. This is my blog so I feel that I can at least vent here.

 Every night before I go to bed, I turn on the dishwasher, make sure that my coffee is ready, the counters cleaned, trash is out and the sink is clean. No matter how I feel I try and make sure that it is done.
 I got up on a Wednesday morning and walked into the kitchen to make a cup of coffee. It was late by my standards as sleeping has been a problem for me. Nathan was sitting in his chair with the remote in his hands. I asked if he had taken Cisco out as since my fall I am not supposed to do it anymore.
 Nathan never looked up. "Not yet" was his response and I said.. "It is almost noon. Why haven't you taken him out?"
 No response so I put on my robe and started looking for his leash. Well I couldn't find it. My son in law had just gotten here and I finally found the leash and as I walked out the door I suddenly became IRATE.... I have glass coffee tables. The frikking glass coffee table was filled with trash and not only trash, but Nathan was putting out his cigarettes on my table. The ash trays were over flowing and I lost it.
 I will not go into detail as I honestly cannot remember it all and that might be a good thing. One thing led to another, a screaming match followed and we both said some ugly things to each other, But I remember screaming at him that if he was too damn lazy to get up and empty the ash trays that I would solve that problem of using the damn things and he could continue using the glass tables since he couldn't be bothered to get off his lazy ass and I picked them up and started crashing them, throwing and breaking them all over the house... (Except my room of course) and not only the ash trays, but every dirty glass or cups or bowls that was sitting on the tables and counters and if I could get my hands on it I crashed it. Somehow my son in law got me to my room.
 I don't remember much after that other than I felt like I was having a heart attack. I was too far out of it. I totally lost it.
 I remember calling Jonathan to tell him that I thought I needed to go to the hospital, that I thought that I was having a heart attack. My son in law told Jonathan that I was just having a panic attack, and I had gotten really upset and he was calming me down and that he would make sure that I was ok, but he didn't feel it was a heart attack.
 Could have fooled me.

 I want to cry but afraid if I start I wont be able to stop. I put my name on the housing authority list. I don't want to move there. It is not in a good location, lots of crime, lots of problems there. But what else am I to do? The thing is that the housing authority waiting list is years long. I got a letter saying that I have been approved and they will notify me when a unit becomes available. I make just a little over $700.00 a month. I can barely get by now. I never have any extra money for anything. I need new shoes and some new night gowns. I need some clothes. I need to have my hair cut. I have a package that has been sitting here to mail since Christmas. I can't afford the $24.00 to mail it. The shipping is costing more than what is in the damn box.
 By the time I pay my rent, I still have other things that I have to buy. Food, and my medical co-pays and yes my cigarettes. Not that I spend all that much on those. Prices here are not like prices elsewhere thankfully. But still even if I didn't spend that money, what I have left over is nothing. If I can't have $10.00 damn dollars a week of my money what is the point.

 I have to buy other things too. My personal hygiene products and my laundry soap, and dish soap and trash bags because they damn sure are not going to buy it. Nathan had the nerve to tell me the other day.... "Why didn't you buy laundry detergent?" and I told him "Because I didn't have the damn money to buy any. Why haven't you bought any? And why don't you help buy some toilet paper and some necessities around here?" Of course he didn't reply to that.

 Jonathan said to me recently. "Mom you need to get up in the mornings and get dressed to greet the day."
 Aww Jonathan I am so sorry that my staying in my comfortable gown bothers you but since I am not going out of the house unless to take out the trash on Monday, Wednesdays and Fridays it and your not here for most of the day it shouldn't matter to you what I wear.

 I have to stop now. I am getting myself all worked up and I don't want to do that. Not today. I will just keep my mouth shut, and stay in my room. Like usual. It is what I do. I feel like an unwelcome guest in my home because if I try to initiate a conversation, either I am ignored or they respond with one word syllables and why try talking to someone that isn't going to engage or even look up from their phones or their video games or what ever.
 I need to close for now.... I hope that this post isn't to depressing for anyone. I just had to get it all out.... BB

Wednesday Madness!

 Hi Everyone,

 I hope that everyone is doing well. It is a bit on the cool side here this morning and a little gray, but the sun tries to peek thru every once in a while. Yesterday I was at my doctors office and he has this large window that over looks a lovely view. The sky was incredible, the clouds billowing in dark grays and deep blues. The wind was blowing the trees fast, and faster and it was just gorgeous against the backdrop of the sky. Too bad that I didn't think to take a picture of it.

 It seems that I have had a lot going on this morning and really haven't accomplished anything. That is what happens when I get on FB the first thing of the morning. It is the best time to catch some of my friends that live in different time zones. And today I needed to speak to one of my friends about a project that she was doing. So I spent over an hour discussing that, and then of course several others that I had to say hello to when they popped on.

 Only 4 more days and Matt will be flying home. I can't wait to see him. His plane lands at 11:45 am on Sunday. Just before noon. I am not sure if we are picking him up or if he has a ride. He said he might get a ride with a friend. He seems to be doing better and his mind set is a little better too.

 Oh I forgot to mention my page. My friend Sam made me the sweetest Valentine yesterday so I made this for her. Not only did she make one for me but for the entire forum. She spent a lot of time spreading happiness and love to us all. This page is made by the lovely Vintage Lace kit from my friend Rosie.

 I have a few little things to share that I came across from FB and a few places on the internet and then I am going to go and lay down. I had a very restless night last night and need the sleep...

 I meant to post this on Super Bowl Sunday but I forgot. Anyway I don't need a special day in order for this to be a true statement for me... Thanks Maxine for the tip!

 This fits me perfectly lately. I have been so  HOT lately... sheesh I feel like I am a living heater! My kids sit around wearing jackets... But they are freezing at 70 F degrees. I have always been hot natured but every year I seem to be more miserable than the year before.

 And this is for my grandbabies... They are not little anymore. Our baby girl is 2 now... but this still applies... I would kiss them all over if I could hold them in my arms and have those sweet arms around my neck...

 Anyway this is it for me today. I have laundry to do tonight and grocery shopping and so I better rest while I can.... Take care and have a great day to all...... BB

Happy Valentines Day 2017

 Happy Valentines Day to everyone,
 If you are lucky enough to receive Chocolates this year.... Indulge and Enjoy...!

 So hello to everyone, I hope that everyone has had a fantastic week. It has been a bit boring here on my end. Not been doing too much. Having some lazy days and some time to read and to do some other things. Planning mostly. I am getting so excited as Florida is getting closer every day and I will be so happy to meet Edna and Pogo!

 Before I start yakking about things I really do want to tell you about Cisco. Everyone knows that he is the special baby in my life and we have a bed time ritual. He comes into my room with his little orange dog and drops the dog at my feet and sits and looks at me. That is my cue that he is ready for bed. If I ignore him for a minute he paws me seeking attention.
 Tonight I picked him up to put him on the bed and he whined. Well I didn't give him time to get his puppy dog! So I had to put him down so he could grab it and then put them into bed.
 This is the longest that he has ever had a stuffed toy and he loves this little dog. I took this picture the other day and then I put it in the photo program on my phone and filtered it. I like the way that it looks.

 I really do make up my bed but Cisco likes it all scrunched up so he gets what he wants most of the time. He is so funny. He is so protective of his baby. Normally he would have chewed it up and there would be nothing left of it, but from the first, he has cuddled with it every night. I am going to see if it is all in one piece when I get back from Florida. He might be mad at me for going away and leaving him behind. We will see!

 There really isn't much to blog about. The kids have been doing their own thing and so have I. Karyn, Jonathan and I went to Panda Express for Chinese food. Which we brought home. It was all chicken and beef and so I was comfortable with eating some of it.
 I don't really enjoy Chinese food anymore. I have lost my taste for it. So I ate a little of it and then had some peaches and some cheese and crackers. I use to love it, but for some reason it is not a part of my appetite anymore.
 I do like the place that Karyn took me to called Pad Thai. They do all of their seafood in a totally different area and I don't have to worry about cross contamination and I really love their spices vs the Chinese dishes. I also enjoy Korean food but am not a fan of Vietnamese food.
 Truth be told I like good old American comfort food and Mexican food. That is about it. I will eat Italian once in a while, and I like Mediterranean and Greek food, but I reserve that for special occasions.

 I have discovered beading. Ever since Edna sent me my gorgeous charm bracelet I have loved looking at different beads! I have a feeling that I am going to be addicted to it. So much fun. I can't wait to learn. I am going to make Karyn one for my first project. I have been looking around. I thought that I found the perfect birthstone set for her, but it turned out to be my birthstone and not hers. Mine is pink and hers is purple. So tonight when she was over I said... KK choose a color, pink or purple and she said Pink... so pink it is. Unless I find a pretty blue that I like. I had asked her a series of questions, what she liked and so far, butterflies, Ocean stuff, books, dogs, arts and crafts, wine and margaritas! Then Jonathan called her away so that they could talk about movies. But I know of other things that she likes. Music and flip flops, desserts, especially cup cakes. I will find what I need.
 One thing that I can say about my kids is that they like everything. There has never been anything that I have given them that they haven't liked. They are always grateful and that makes me so happy. I know a lot of people who agonize on what to get for their kids and I don't have that kind of worry with mine.

 I haven't done many scrap pages. I did do one for my friend Rosie who is having a bad time of it right now with her MS acting up. Bless her heart, she and her husband came down with a bad flu and she was just getting over it when her MS started acting up but she put up a new kit and I made a page for her to cheer her up....

 This is called Sweet Spring. Isn't it just lovely? She is a special lady. She lives about 3 hours North of me, maybe a little further. One day I am going to make a point to go and see her. She called me right before Christmas. Her daughter Becky is doing wonderful in college. She has made all A's so far on all of her tests. She is studying Wildlife and something with the Zoo and she wants to work protecting animals that are on the endangered species list. She was meant for it. I need to sit down and make her a page as well. She is part of our scrapbooking forum and she sent a wonderful note to everyone before leaving for College saying that she will be on when she can, but will be spending most of her time with her studies... She is also very dedicated. Rosie is missing her too a lot. Becky is an only child and a miracle baby as well so I know that Rosie is missing her dreadfully.

 I went for a glass of water and no matter how quiet I try to be Cisco has a built in radar. He was sitting up in bed watching the door when I returned. Makings sure that I don't go away too far! He is snuggled back down now. I hate to wake him up but he has my spot! I will have to move him,

 I think that I will close for now and do some crocheting and put a few rows onto Karyn's afghan. I haven't worked on it in a few days so it is time to do some work on it.
 Have a wonderful Valentines Day to everyone, and until next time.... Be Kind to each other... BB

A Memory Of Love To The Wolf Girl

 Hi to everyone,
 It is a little late here. Just after 9:00 pm. and I have been trying to do a blog post all day. It has been a long day.
 This page is in memory of a dear sweet woman who left us way to early. I received the news yesterday that Krystal had lost her battle with Cancer. She was taken from us the day that she also entered the world, on her birthday.
 Even as Krystal battled with her own illness, she never complained, she always would focus on encouragement for others. Her compassion ran deep for all animals, but most especially the Wolf and we called her the Wolf Girl.
 She will be sadly missed by all that knew and loved her. I will always think of her when I see a wolf or images of a wolf.

 I tried to rest today but didn't quiet get to do so. I laid down for a little bit but then I got up and cooked the spaghetti that I was supposed to have made 3 days ago. For some reason my leg started to hurt and has been hurting all evening. I took a couple of my pain pills and they didn't even make a dent in the pain. I am hoping that by staying off of it as much as possible tomorrow that it will be better.

 Cisco had a special delivery today from Pogo!

 The delivery man had delivered this from Pogo!

 He was waiting for the okay!!!!

 He chose the one he wanted and ran off to our room!

 Then of course the Superbowl. The Patriots won! I know that a lot of people are happy and a lot are very unhappy, but it is a game. Just so you know I rooted for the Falcons. No big deal on my end, both are good teams.

 Anyway that is just about all for me tonight. Cisco is already in bed!  I think that I need to join him so I will say goodnight for now. BB

Imbolc

 Hello to all that celebrate Imbolc,

 And Hello to all of you that do not.

 It is after midnight here. I stayed up to celebrate the start of Imbolc even tho it has started on the Southern Hemisphere. We in the Northern Hemisphere began on Feb, 2nd. But I enjoy both days. Every day is a day to celebrate life in my opinion, and to welcome the new birth of all life. Human, plants, animals, nature. Isn't it wonderful to celebrate life in all forms?

 And to give Blessings. And Thankfulness. I am very thankful. I would have a hard time to count all of my blessings if asked but for today, (yesterday actually) I am especially thankful that my dog Cisco is alright.
 He had an accident and it was a bad accident. He tried to jump off of my bed and hit the side rail and injured his bad leg. I didn't have the money to take him into the vet. It saddens me that he was hurt and I couldn't even take him in. But with a lot of love and care and research on the internet I found some answers.

 1. He can still walk so nothing is broken. We made him a soft bed and gave him a heating pad and alternated it with ice.
 2. Pain Meds. With a quick phone call I was told that I can give him a half of an aspirin every 4 hours. He has tolerated that and will get the last half of the last one when we go to bed. It is harder to keep him down than I ever imagined so I have him pillows so he can come and go at will.
 3. He is drinking plenty of water and eating so that is great news.
 4. He is still greeting everyone at the door and tail wagging.

 He is walking on his own, the limp is not as bad as it was earlier so just seeing the difference between earlier today and tonight has been amazing, so you can see why I am thankful! I took him out to potty and he walked on his own. He refused my assistance so I let him do what he could and when he was done, he turned back for the house.  I put an ice pack on him and he tolerated that for about 10 minutes. But the warmth of the heating pad was his choice. He seems to do better with the heat.
 So I am happy that he will be alright.
 He is getting old. He will be 13 in September so he gets all the pampering that he wants. Everyone tells me that he is over weight. Yes he is. But I am not going to put him on some kind of diet where he is starving all of the time. If it means I have to pick him up and help him up and down then that is what I will do.
 We have him on special food. The problem is the exercise. I am not able to get out and walk him the 3 times a day for 30 minutes. I can't and the boys are at work 12 hours a day. I do what I can. I tried to walk him with my cane and fell. I can't walk him with my walker. He gets confused and wraps the leash around me and the walker. So on my good days he gets walked and on my bad days we make do with what we can,

 I have a few fun ideas I found on the internet that you might find interesting.

 If it is too small to read and you would like a larger copy, let me know and I will be glad to type it out for you. Of course clicking the photo above should open it to a larger size.  I will go and check after this post to see if it is readable. If not then I will type it out and put it here at the end of this post as an update.

and I have one more to share.

 Tomorrow will be a day of planting for me. I have some soil and some seeds. So I will start them. I would love to have some morning glories but I don't have enough sun for them. Or the room for that matter. My garden is going to be a patio garden this year. Some herbs for cooking and they also serve a nice purpose of keeping the pests away. I will get some lady bugs from the nursery. All plants love lady bugs. The trick is getting the lady bugs to stay. If they are not happy they will leave. Also putting them out at dusk is a key to making them happy.
 Some people confuse the lady bug with the Asian Beetle. A true lady bug is red and black. Not orange and black.
 Orange and Black are Asian Beetles and they will take over your garden and your home and you if your outside long enough.

 Oh I got a new mouse. My son Nathan gave my son Jonathan some money on Sunday and said Surprise mom and take her out. Do something with her that she wants to do. Oh... choices... So I chose to go to the computer store and get a mouse for my computer and since it was right next door to my favorite Mexican Restaurant I was so tempted, but knowing we had a few days before payday I was trying to be very frugal. Well I suggested that we just go to the store and find something to cook at home but in the end Jonathan said, "Is that what you really want to do mom?" and I admitted that it wasn't. So he whipped the car into Nuevo Mexico. BTW I misspelled Nuevo but spell checker isn't giving me the proper spelling so that is close enough.
 Jonathan had the soup, a bowl large enough for 3 people I swear, and I had my usual. But when the meal came I was not hungry. We had iced tea and it was so refreshing. I didn't eat much chips or salsa either. Nothing was wrong with the food. It is my taste buds. For some reason all the food I am eating lately has a funny taste to it. So Jonathan helped me eat my dinner, I split it right down the middle with him and since Karyn was so sweet and did our laundry with hers, we gave her the soup that he couldn't finish naturally and chips and salsa. We are sharers of food! I had to say that I was really pleased and surprised. It was nice to just get out. I had been out earlier. I rode with Karyn to take Matthew to the airport to catch his flight to Kansas.

 He is taking the breakup with Barbara better than I expected. The first few days was rough but we had long talks and I asked him what it was that he wanted. He wants to provide a home for himself, with no one else except for his kids and himself. So that is his goal. I think that it is a good goal. I will encourage him as much as I can.

 The man that he is working with or was working with ate something at the airport and developed food poisoning. He was very sick so Matt took him to the hospital. At first they thought that it was just a virus and treated him and released him but it soon became apparent that he was getting worse and not better so Matt took him back to the hospital and stayed with him. After all the tests were done they determined that it was food poisoning and he was so bad that they have admitted him.
 So Matt cannot work alone so they are sending him either to New Mexico or to Arizona. He will know more tomorrow. Or today actually. Matt is a real friend to people in need. He called his boss this morning and asked what he should do and his boss said, Change the oil in the truck, make sure it is ready to go and then do what ever you want for the rest of the day.
 Matt went to the hospital and stayed with his co-worker until they got him settled in and then sent Matt back to his hotel.

 As for me, I spent the day with my son in law. Not sure what the problem is with him sometimes but he was in a very unhappy mood all day. Everything from looking for a job to arguing religion to what movies were good and which were not worth watching. He wore me out. He wore Karyn out when she got here. She asked me if he had been like that long and I said yeah all day! Normally he is a happy go lucky guy, but something was bothering him today.

 Now I am coming to the end of my post but  I want to share one final thing and then I will say goodnight on my end.
 I took my meds but obviously they were to strong for me and I slept a lot. During the night I had a dream that felt so real. Too real.
 I dreamed that I was with my friend Patsy in the desert at her home and for some reason we were loading up this semi flat bed trailer with steel or rebarb. Now I have no idea why that was in my dream but Patsy kept saying, My Chest Hurts. I kept trying to get her to lay down and she would but we could hear this man outside the window calling "Patsy, but it was an eerie voice saying.... Paaaattttsyyyy..... in almost a whisper. She was going out to see what this man wanted and I said... No you cant go out there you don't know who this man is. It is 3:00 in the morning. Who ever it is out there is up to no good. She said Oh it is probably someone wanting to buy some of the stuff on the trailer and I said No. Go lay back down and she said again, My chest is hurting really bad.
 It gets fuzzy here but I woke up and had to go to the bathroom. On my way back to bed I looked at my phone and it was 3:00 am.
 I keep thinking of the dream and I tossed and turned and kept getting sucked right back into it. I had to keep convincing myself that it was just a dream but I remember one point that I just gave up and said I am calling her. I don't care that it is 3 in the morning. But common sense prevailed before I hit her number. I told myself it was just a dream.
 In real life this afternoon I get a text message from Patsy saying she was in the Emergency Room. Her chest was hurting and feeling very heavy.
 Well I tell you I was shook up because I asked her what time did her chest start hurting and she said it was around 3 this morning!
 Oddly I was telling Joey about my dream when I got the text. I was like Oh My Gosh... Joey said what is it and I said... Patsy is in the ER they think that it is her heart.
 Well thankfully it is not her heart but her body did just like mine did. It dumped all of her electrolytes, magnesium, potassium, sodium and she was dehydrated. All of that was just exactly like what happened to me a few months back.
 How weird I would dream this. It is not the first time for me to do this. I have had several dreams like this and tonight I was telling Karyn about it and she was like Mom your connection is strong and I don't like talking about mine but I have the same kind of dreams and connections that you do.

 Karyn and I have always had this kind of connection if you want to call it that. I have it with all of my kids but very much so with my girls and Matthew. I knew before Laurie did when she was pregnant. I am the one that always told her to get a pregnancy test. I knew when Deanna and Matt first got pregnant with Alex. I knew the sex of each baby before they did. I was a little uncertain about Dante Laurie's baby boy. My initial instinct said boy, but I couldn't settle on it. When Courtney and Matt called me to tell me that they were pregnant I told her that I knew and it was a girl. Courtney was like I just found out I was pregnant 5 minutes ago. But I knew. I had my phone in my hand to call her and tell her she needed to get a test. The phone rang in my hand and it was Courtney and Matt. For weeks they felt that they were having a boy but I told them it was a girl. And they had a girl.

 I am so glad that Patsy is going to be alright. They will keep her 3 or 4 days and let her go home. If she improves as much as she did today maybe they will release her a little sooner. Still these things come to me and some times I say certain things and other times I don't. But if they feel really real or if they feel to me a nagging urgency like last night  I can't shake it and that is what I was telling Joey when I was describing my dream to him. I couldn't let it go.

 Well anyway, I have made this post a lot longer than I intended so I will close for now and say be kind to everyone, celebrate to life if you choose and until next time, BB